I've been meaning to post a number of different things on here, but alas, my mind has been at war with itself. Yes, it's got a lot to do with the Trayvon Martin trial and verdict, but I'm not going to get too deep into that on this page. There are so many folks who have eloquently tackled the hugeness of this loss and why it meant so much to communities all over the country (and the world), that I don't wish to add my jumbled thoughts to it. I guess I just want y'all, whoever you are (SO glad you're here, by the way!), to know that I'm wrestling with the enormity of this and trying to come out on the other side.
Like countless others, I've been grieving.
The night the verdict came in, I had to put my sons to bed early so they wouldn't hear my anguished wails. (
Note: To those who wish to highlight the loss of Black life perpetrated by Black people, I wailed for them too, as well as
, every single person on
, and the nameless, faceless others I never even knew. I cried hot, angry tears for
To me, and so many other people of
colors, this was never a simple issue of self-defense. You can tell me it was, that race had nothing to do with it, 'til you're blue in the face; I can't believe you. As a Black woman in the United States, whose life has been blessed beyond belief, I
know too much about racism. It's pervasive and insidious and
; denying or pretending it's not just allows it to thrive.
And yet, I can't allow this awareness, this hatred of my very existence, to consume or destroy me with my own venom. The sorrow I've experienced since I found out about this case has hardened my heart and buckled my knees. To fully succumb to it, though, would be to deny the love I have for my husband, beautiful sons, and both sides of my extended family.
So for them, I will fight for wholeness, strength, and compassion. Because I care for them infinitely more than myself.
In addition, my faith in God sustains and reminds me that my job is to give unwarranted, undeserving grace and mercy, despite how much my heart breaks, regardless of whether the overt/covert racists will pat me on the back for my efforts (they won't). Forgiveness is a gift to
, an integral form of self-care that allows me to carry on in peace and joy rather than bitterness and resentment, no matter what others do.
Even after all of this, I choose love.