I'm both late and early with today's post! Because I struggled so much with Thursday's prompt, I thought I'd combine it with today's question. Doing so seemed to help me push through and make some fairly startling realizations.
What is the hardest stage for you in the
: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, or acceptance?
Have you ever been scared to let go of your grief?
As I mentioned above, I struggled mightily to answer the question about which stage of grief was most difficult for me, mostly because I thought I'd never experienced true grief. After staring at the blank computer screen for about 20 minutes, I finally asked my husband if he had any thoughts.
"It's pretty clear to me that denial is your thing. It's...what you know."
Secondly, he was 100% correct. I guess after 11 years with me, he knows me fairly well. I
been in denial about a great many aspects of my life, thus I've been stalled at the starting line of this process for decades. The more I thought about it, the clearer things became. My denial is one of the reasons why old, painful memories can pop up and knock me on my ass. Everything grinds to a halt as I relive the terror in excruciating detail. Instead of exploring these experiences, I create the illusion of distance by pushing them down and away, pretending I can outrun them this time.
And, if that weren't bad enough, I am afraid to let go of this terrible habit. I know it's bad for me, but it's familiar, thus I cling to it like a security blanket because I don't know what will happen if I release it. Who would I be without it? The anxiety and fear I've come to know act as boundaries; without them, there is chaos...and freedom.
I started Living My Someday several years ago, mostly on a whim. Only now, though, have I come to fully understanding the depth of what it means, for me and hopefully others. It represents the soul's desire to be free of the constraints imposed upon it.
Who is the real me, buried under all this junk? I have no idea, but I'm dying to meet her.