Stop Running and Receive.
It's Five-Minute Friday (on a Saturday) time, folks! If you have no idea what I'm talking about,
(Disclaimer: I lost track of time as I was writing this, so I'm pretty certain is took more than five minutes. It just kept pouring out of me—which doesn't happen as often as I'd like—so I went with it.)
When my husband and I prayed for God to intervene in our lives, to shake us out of our existential stupor, nothing could have prepared us for the stunning, heartbreaking, amazing way He responded. I don't even know where to begin, honestly. It's only been a matter of weeks for me (my husband started this journey a few months before I did), but everything has changed. I know it sounds cliché, but our lives have been completely and utterly uprooted. We're still in the middle of it, so I can't be specific—YET—but everything is uncertain, everything is new, and everything is totally out of our hands. We are 100% humbled by and dependent on His power from the time we wake up to the moment our heads hit the pillow.
And it is the best thing that's ever happened to us.
It's also the most painful breakthrough we've ever experienced. I don't know if folks who've arrived on "the other side" ever make clear the true agony of transformation. After reciting so many times over the years, I finally understand what it means to "walk through the valley of the shadow of death." The veil has been lifted and discarded for good. Having open, unshielded eyes has brought on an onslaught of knowledge, which is fantastic! However, it's also given way to a number of excruciating truths, information that has threatened to break me at times. I remember reading about the prophets in the Old Testament and how some would cover themselves in ashes and wail for the people. It always struck me as a bit much, but I now have a small sense of the emotions they were feeling. Sometimes the only way to communicate with God is through tears.
These days, my husband and I have made a point of staying present and seeing reality for what it is, rather than what we'd like it to be. Frankly, it's been terrifying and distressing, but in our pain and weakness, God has revealed Himself to us in ways we never knew possible. As the intensity of our circumstances increases, He pulls us closer, sheltering us, offering grace, comfort, and even joy. The more we unburden ourselves, the deeper our relationship becomes (with God, with each other, with our children, dear friends, etc. It just keeps going!).
Despite being born and raised in the Church, I had no idea of the vastness of His goodness and love until recently. I kept trying to earn redemption because I was well aware of my many faults. I wanted so badly to be worthy. The thing is, He was already for me and always has been. All I've ever needed to do was stop running and receive it.